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Been a while since I wrote anything here. Let's say hi. Hiiiiiiiiiiii. There's been a couple of interesting happenings this October. I've yet to do anything to actually celebrate and I don't know if I will because I'm bad at celebrating anything, but, me and my pal have been doing art for a Kinktober list I found that had at least some enjoyable prompts on it. Been making art almost the entire month and that feels really good. There's some pieces I really loved and I'm finding joy in depicting my oc's doing horrible things to each other. Especially after some unsavory events over the last couple of months, this has been good for me.

In other strange news, I recreated an old Tumblr blog that I ran a couple years ago. Ended up deleting it because I don't know, I felt like I needed to truly isolate myself from anything and everything and one thing I know I need in my life is control. Not over every single thing ever, but just, any semblance that makes me feel like I have some agency over my own life. And sometimes, that has manifested in the form of just deleting my existence from anywhere. Or disppearing without saying anything. Anyway, I was sharing lots of pics that I like as an archive, for people who like those kinda things. And for some reason, it blew up and now there's fucking 3k+ people following it. And it keeps growing, like, every day. That's more than I've ever had on any social media, the most I had was barely 2k on a very old Tumblr blog.

And even back then, there were way less interactions than what I'm getting right now. It's funny and weird. When I was posting art on Twitter a while back, it stayed just under 1k and I was okay with that. Really, even that much induced a lot of anxiety, but then again, posting art is very personal to me, so sharing it willingly with lots of people... y'know? I don't know. I like that my art account that exists now has basically nobody looking at it. With this archive blog, it's more entertaining because there's nothing very personal about me on it. There kind of is, but nothing substantial, it matches the "theme". I can maintain a distance from it and delete it, if I want to. The amount of weird messages I get though is just, Lol. Lmao, even.

I'm writing about it because there's one person in particular I used to know who greatly desired ^ That. To have a "big following", to have people be curious about them or whatever, and I don't even want it and I got it anyway (by some sheer randomness). It's a funny "gotcha" kinda moment. That abusive shit-stain of a human wanted to be a popular YouTuber/Streamer so bad and harrassed people for collabs. It worked to an extent but his personality is so shit, it was bound to fail. I really wish I could laugh in his face about this. I know anybody reading this doesn't understand the context in that and it does make me look like kind of an asshole. That's fine too.

As time passes between now and then, the less I can withhold my anger about what happened to me. What I mean is when it's reasonably justified to be angry, I don't squash it down anymore. I don't take it out on anybody either, I just feel it, or let it out in my own solitude. It's becoming harder to tolerate nonsense, passive aggressiveness, ect.

On the flip side, stepping more into myself and being more comfortable with myself has been helpful. I think over the last few years, I've been so... destructive, in vague ways, to myself. And I guess that does make sense, psychologically, I'm trying to unlearn what was drilled into me, to unlearn the methods that were keeping me safe at the time but no longer serve me now. It's difficult. I felt like I had to do it and I'd rather do it now while I'm young rather than when I'm older. I'm talking about it in therapy, that, among many other things. Yay.

Idk what else to write about, have a good day buddy.

Howdy. The internet is being sanitized. It's awful. There's nothing I've ever shared here that implies it, but I used to be an active hobby artist, typically on the NSFW side of art. Took a long break from it, because honestly, I just had no desire or motivation to draw anymore. Now social medias want to scrub artists like me from existence, not only that, people like me that don't fit the narrow scope of normalcy are targeted too, outside of the internet. What a shit show. So. Yes, indeed, I've been absolutely rage-baited into getting right back into making disgusting art.

I don't feel comfortable sharing explicit art where anybody can see it, even with proper tagging/labels/ect though. The themes of my art in particular are incredibly dark and not in the ways anonymous people should be stumbling upon, especially if they aren't looking for it. If that makes it sound worse than it is, that's for a good reason. And really, it's on the tame side, or maybe I think that because I'm used to it? There's a website somewhere that has an archive of it all (and no, I will not be sharing it), it does have appropriate content warnings... It just doesn't feel good enough for me. What else can I do? Well, I have been thinking about making a new website with a different domain that I have but that problem still persists in my mind.

It's just that there's this complicated mix between everything: of course I want my art to be seen, I want like-minded individuals to feel seen by looking at my art too. What I don't want is a *following*, when that happened before, I learned that it's not for me. I'm a very unsocialable person. Not sure I know how to be "seen", without that aspect eventually occuring? It is true that I could just ignore messages and comments, or, I could politely respond and leave it at that. Even while writing this, I realize that I'm actually just thinking way too hard about it and to be honest, these kinds of feelings are likely residual leftovers from the past.

The important part is that I Am Drawing. I'm creating art again, after idk how long, maybe a little over one year. There were small drawings here and there, but nothing substantial, nothing like what I was creating before. The best part about all of this is that I have so many backlogged ideas, lol. Particularly my OC's, some stories with my friend's OC's, some fandom stuff in there as well, some OC/Fandom too, because I like taking yalls popular hot guys and [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]. Ad infinitum.

^ WHATEVER. Don't stop drawing. But, if you draw sicko stuff like I do, it's a good idea to think about who could see it and go out of your way to make sure only people who are looking for it find it, haha ha.

Back again so soon, handsome? So whatever I talked to my therapist yesterday about a friendship that was lost a few months ago and she had a lot of insight about it. Something about it just didn't sit right with me so I wanted her perspective. Mostly just summing it up here because I want to remember it while it's fresh in my mind. I feel like I was as unbiased as possible and told her factually what happened.

She said the situation(s) sounded like it was more about control... like, creating a rule for someone else that they themselves had no intention of following. And literally told me himself that he would do it again. I explained how I tried to explain my point of view to him and then he responded (at first) with hurtful namecalling, deflected and avoided any accountability for that. How we had talked through it, I thought we had a mutual and amicable understanding, and then abruptly he cut me out of his life like I was nothing and blocked me everywhere. Figures.

Also mentioned how my friend tended to take things public on social media, not just for me, but for others too. And how someone else dared to write about their feelings on their personal blog, they were called unsafe/obsessive/stalker to me personally and publicly. It really stuck with me when she said those vague posts were likely designed to be seen and were actually passive aggressive, that it's literal gaslighting, making someone feel crazy for having a normal reaction to that. Crazy how that works, making someone doubt their own right to be upset, what does that benefit? Control over a narrative. She said it sounded like I had to be made into the 'problem' too because I was an inconvenience to the (control over the) narrative.

The final piece she talked about with me was the perpetual victim angle with the whole pattern of 'everyone hurts me no one cares about me' (I explained that in a 'nicer' way but I don't recall the exact wording) that has been spun in every which way despite him always being the common denominator. Maybe he views friendships as ownership? You owe them information, you owe them loyalty on their terms, they can treat you any which way they want and if you say dude what the fuck, you're a traitor. A liar. 'Twofaced'. And then turn around to smear you in DM's to garner self-serving sympathy, all while posting online about how everyone else is the problem. I know this happens because he did it to other people in his DM's with me. And why would me or my right to privacy be any different? I'm painted as a villain now, so fuck my right to anything.

The entire thing was such a stupid fucking self-feeding drama ouroboros. Easier to just block him too and move on especially when he proved that my feelings and conversations meant nothing to him.

Learned my goddamn lesson, that's all. Idk what else to write, so, have a nice day.

Hey. I removed a lot of my past entries. Why? I'm me, that's why. Anyway, I'll add a sort of archive view of them later at some point and I think maybe it'll give me a reason to update this thing more regularly. For what, oh, I couldn't tell ya. I like having a place to go, to do nothing productive. If there's something I'm good at, it's archiving seemingly meaningless things. You never know what can be useful in the future. Especially when you have old lines of code that might be useful as a reference later (aka I forget how I did a thing if it has been long enough).

On a long break from work rn. It was very necessary and tbh, I should've taken even longer. Got a lil backlog saved for another stretch of time. Working (interacting with people) was making my tolerance really low, lower than it already is and when you have a stupid rage problem like I do, that's quick to become a real problem. All of that is beside the point though, the point is, I'm doing good. I'm getting shit in order and whatever. I don't fucking know dude! Everything is hard. Lol.

Idk what else, as usual. Might come back later, buuut probably not. Smell ya.

Hey again, back so soon, crazy, I know. Maybe I'll actually get back into writing about my stupid life sometimes. The past handful of months I've gotten back into losing weight and eating "clean"/"healthy" aka managing a calorie deficit, raw vegetables for the nutrients and hella protein and drinking a fuck-ton of water. It has been working and I'm happy to report: lost about 14 to 15 lbs since May. After my tattoo gets finished next week-ish and it heals 2 to 4 weeks after, I'll get serious about bulking, mostly just my arms and shoulders to start with and they look okay right now since I've been doing it semi-non-consistently for the last two to three years but some well-defined shape without flexing would make me feel reeeeeeeeeeeal good about myself.

It's September and that's a good month for me. I started playing Cry of Fear today, hoodie guy running around with a knife? That's my entire modus operandi. Highly recommended. I know most people assume I'm male, and let me tell ya, sometimes that's true, so whatever suits your fancy, I don't really care. I'm a thing that bleeds and I'm over it. I don't use the products anymore, why bother? They're uncomfortable and sorry TMI I'm Captain Commando. Feel it squelch and go clean it up, it's blood you coward, damn. Acting like ya never seen blood before. It's forever in your body until it isn't, get over it.

Made a new friend this week and of course she's a decade younger, makes me feel like an ancient wizard, how does this keep happening. I'm not interested in people romantically whatsoever, so it's whatever tbh, she's very into horror stuff and I'm very into horror stuff, so that was a quick formed friendship. It's nice, the parallel of losing a friendship and then immediately and randomly gaining one. Very cool. I'm maintaining distance until I can determine what kind of woman she is but so far, I think it'll be a good connection to have. Connecting with women is difficult because I have mommy issues.

That's probably it for now. I'm still filled with endless rage and want to drink myself to death every night, but I'm not a weak, lesser man so I don't do that.

Well, I sure did intend to keep updating my blog at least weekly but, alas, I am once again asking myself to be fucking consistent. Anyways, I'm here again, writing aimlessly about whatever I've been doing for the past 3-ish months for the anonymous internet people that lurk the corners and somehow end up here. I'm on my way to graduation hopefully next Spring? Yay. I'm reading so many books. Yay. I'm writing creatively again. Yay. Therapy is incredibly helpful in making me find ways to navigate my hellish life. YAY.

I could write about all of the good books I've read recently but a lot of 'em were self-help books for trauma survivors in the last month or so. But there were a bunch of others too. I'm sure my StoryGraph link is somewhere around here if someone is truly interested in what the hell I'm reading lately lol. I update that in very-not-regular intervals but it's 1000% better than GoodReads (fuck you bezos kys) so I highly reccommend switching to it because it was also made and is run by one or a few black women. Anything that is made by women and supports women is what I want to use.

Tbh this entire year I'd made it my goal to read books primarily written by women too. There are some exceptions of course but for the most part I've stuck with that. Music on the other hand is way more difficult so I've been exploring more bands that have women or all women. For the most part though, I'm just sticking with whatever vibes and makes me wanna loop it for 9hours straight. Chat Pile released a shoe gaze song and it made me feel like I'm happy to have stayed alive all this time just to hear it. (Radioactive Dreams).

Uhh what else.. Idk yet. Maybe I'll come back later but probably not, have a good day.